I have used performance journaling over the past several weeks to gain some valuable insight around one my persistent shortcomings — my failure to listen well.

I have a number of people on my team working through natural and understandable anxiousness relating to significant changes that are affecting them and their roles.  Even though these change are “good” (in the sense that they are largely resulting from increased opportunity and responsibility), they are still creating a good deal of concern and uncertainty.  Thankfully, our team communicates very openly and freely.  Unfortunately, I have walked away from several discussions over the past few weeks, including one on Friday, wishing I had handled things better.

What I am realizing is that I am allowing their anxiety to create anxiety in me.  As a result, I am reacting which undermines my ability to help and support them effectively.  Rather than really listening to what they are saying and where they are coming from in an effort to understand, I realize that I really just want their anxiety to “go away.” So, I start telling them how I think they should be thinking about things.  But what I am really doing is telling them how I want them to feel about the situation as well — in the hope that if they feel differently about it then their angst will dissipate, and so too will mine.

The solution — I need to listen with all of the focus on understanding how they are seeing the situation.  What they are experiencing is real and perfectly understandable.  These changes are not something I or they can “fix”; we will simply have to patiently work our way through them together.

So I have come up with the following plan to help me listen better (both in general, and specifically relating to this situation):

1.  Ask a question rather than make a point.  I can help best if I first understand what the other person is saying and why he/she sees things the way they do.
2.  Do not interrupt, interject, or finish the other person’s thought.
3.  Resist the temptation to give advice or offer a solution (particularly given that this situation is not one that calls for a solution or resolution).  Instead, focus on communicating my understanding and commitment to working together to navigate the situation.

I know this plan is beyond simple, but as I focus on it I am hoping it will allow me to make some real progress in terms of listening and become a much more effective coach.

Michael