Before I explain in more detail how it went and what I observed, the biggest takeaway for me is that both the interactions went WAY better than I expected and actually felt like "healthy" interactions (in relationships that I would have previously would have described as toxic).

The first was the ex-husband of a good friend of mine.  MMA practitioner, Harley riding, rule breaking (violating custody agreements all over the place and even flatly said that no one can tell him what he can do as a parent), clinical narcissist (in my opinion), and degrades and downplays achievements or everyone besides himself.  He is the the world's expert on everything.  This guy is so red I find it hard to see his blue and orange though I know it is in there.

I went to a soccer game where his son was playing and his daughter was present.  I have great relationships with them outside of his presence, but with Paul around, the 8 and 12 year old cower in fear of saying or doing the wrong thing and paying for it later in private.  I chose an active listening approach and let him tell me all about how it is to be a new parent with his 3rd kid now, his expertise on guiding his children's soccer careers (though he has never played in his life), the incredible achievements of his current wife (which I acknowledged and was impressed with).  When talking about soccer camps, I mentioned how the camps must be so good around here that I have friends from the east coast bringing their kids out to join in on one for a week.  I inadvertently picked a camp that she wasn't attending and he got very stern and angry at his daughter demanding she explain why she wasn't attending that camp (which eventually they realized it was due to a conflict).  I didn't "take the bait" on any items to challenge him and let him retain the power in conversation.  I performance journaled on the experience and felt that my weakness in advocacy could be strengthened in the future.  I could refrain from persecuting him and his mindset, but to be more firm about standing up for my own views and accepting the possible difficult and challenging resulting conversations.  I'm looking forward to dropping by another game soon!

The other interaction was with my dad's former girlfriend of 8 years (before he recently passed away).  She and my dad were perfect  in her mind and we as children weren't up to snuff.  We were constantly ridiculed to our faces and even worse behind our back.  I needed to speak with her about some inheritance related stuff which she wasn't answering emails or texts to, so I called.  I kept the conversation about her, asking for her opinion on rental strategies for our house and telling her it was great she was spending time with her daughter in the coming month,etc.  When I presented a bunch of different options of a topic of how to securely send her some checks, she was paralyzed a bit.  It seemed like she was almost afraid to make the wrong move and she has already stated an option.  What I observed is that when in a Red mindset, you really don't have the desire or ability to discuss. You just want to direct and have people do what you say even if it isn't a hostile/aggressive request.  Changing her mind would have been seen as a weakness.

-tony